"'You can do this,' Esme murmured next to me, pushing her hands into the hair at the base of my skull and scratching. I leaned into her hand, feeling the intention of her familiar gesture and yet knowing the futility of it. My body was tense from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.
'Say it again, Petal.' I whispered.
'You can,' she urged me.
My hands came up to rub my face and I let out a short, dry laugh. 'You're reassuring me. Edward is the one who is about to do the hardest thing he's ever done.'
I felt ridiculous.
'That's why I'm reassuring you, darling,' she whispered. 'It's Edward. It's therefore the hardest thing for you, too.' She stepped behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist. The length of her body against mine eased me for a moment before the reality of the moment crashed over me.
"My firstborn was transforming the love of his existence tonight and he was deep into the first love day he'd ever had.
Over the years, I've come to understand that love days are unique to those of us who deny our natural instincts to hunt humans. These days of overwhelming lust and passion seem to arise naturally when we choose, instead, to form emotional bonds with our mates. I've tried for years to understand what our decision to deny our baser instincts. But after having seen Edward without a mate, and therefore without love days, I had come to understand that it's possible to be emotionally connected and yet not experience the joy of love days....
....Over time and as my family grew I had come to observe that love days served as a substitute for the bloodlust we would otherwise experience...
....love days change us, and I knew that. Any strong emotion changed us irrevocably. I had described them to Edward, in an acedemic sense, and certainly he had understood the way that our thoughts were transformed during love days. He knew, on an intellectual level, that love days altered everything. He understood that once you found your mate, the world simply stopped functioning without them.
Love days made that connection almost drug-like in it's vitality; love days took over every voluntary movement, every conscious and suconscious thought. Love days made you hunger for every scent, flavor, expression, touch, movement. You learned more about yourself as a lover and beloved in a love day than you did in one hundred years alone.
This love day would free Edward; he would understand fully now how much he could give to Bella.
He would understand how much Bella could give him. And this realization would terrify him, because he could not - literally - survive without her now. It was a blessing and a curse: it strengthened our bonds immeasurably, but also made us entirely dependent on the other. For I knew, without Esme, I would not survive.
"Early on I had tried to convince him to simply let himself experience the joy of intimacy, even without love....
'Carlisle, I don't know if it is my gift of just who I am, but I can't,' he said, entirely without defense.
'Physical closeness is something that can be shared between people connected in many different ways, Edward.' I tried to infuse sincerity in my voice....
Even still, he had listened to me. He had considered my words. After a few moments, his eyes met mine: 'I can't, Carlisle. I want her. Whoever she is. I want her.'...
'Do you think...?' he hesitated. 'Do you think I'll ever find her?'
'I don't know, Edward. Will you be open to it?'
'I suppose that's what I'm asking,' he murmured. 'I worry that I am too disciplined.'
...'I'm just tired of...'
He was so naked emotionally with me...'What Edward? You're tired of what?'
'Feeling others desiring me without desiring them in return,' he whispered. 'It's exhausting and tedious.'
'He found her,' I murmured.
'I need the moment to be private,' he said, his head bent low and his hands making tangle of his hair. Alice had reassured him that tonight would go smoothly, but he was still shaken from having to stitch Bella earlier in the day. 'I have things to say to her that are only for her. But I need to know you are there, too. I don't know how to balance those two things.'
'I put my hand on his arm, 'I will be on the beach until you need me. Tell me the signal to enter and I will come in. Then tell me the signal to enter the room, and I will come help however I can.'
'Listen to her heart, Carlisle. Don't let me kill her.'
'You would never.' Even the suggestion made my stomach drop. 'Edward, you could never kill her. You know this.'
'Carlisle...' It was a sound of agony and I could tell he was crying.
His eyes met mine. They were determined but terrified. 'Edward, you can do this.'
'I can't get enough of her,' he breathed, his eyes pleading with me to reassure him. 'I need to do it today because I can't control my strength much longer...but I'm afraid today is the worst day to try.'
...'Today is the best day for this. You are completely attuned to her every movement. You need her more than you have needed anything. Today is the day you are strongest for this.'
He nodded, wanting to believe me. I knew then that nothing I said would entirely reassure him and, honestly, how could it? There were a million ways this could end tragically, and only one way it ended as desired. 'As desired' still required Edward to bite her, push his venom into her, and watch her contort in agony for days afterwards.
'As desired' would still be the worst torture he'd ever known.
Bella was Ours via anntastic23
"It had been decades since we had been through it but even still, we all knew how different it was this time. Bella was ours. In a way none of us had been able to articulate together on the boat our first night here, we understood that she belonged to each of us.
Edward had happily watched us figure this out, had watched our collected admission that she was more our daughter, sister, or friend than we could have ever anticipated. Edward's eyes had been relaxed that night; his expression was one I had never seen before: open, happy, amused, and totally and completely loved.
Bella had brought Edward to life; if anything happened to her, he would never recover and we would lose him within days.
Our own fear was papable: as a family, we could not survive if we lost them both."
Waiting
"We all froze in a moment of tense silence...At precisely that moment we heard Edward's strangled cry and the sound of wood smashing into plaster. Emmett and I reacted immediately...
I listened for the familiar rhythm of her small heart.
...Bella gasped and her heartbeat raced impossibly faster. I feared I could almost hear her heart against her chest wall. I knew he just bit her; I could only imagine what was happening. I held my hand against the door, capable of pushing it down in an instant.
I heard him cry into the air, 'No!' He sobbed and I heard his choking cries muffled against skin.
...Edward, I urged him with my thoughts, knowing it was futile. I know it comes fast. Son, stay calm.
....'GO!' she cried.
It was silent then, silent except for the sound of her heart. Silent except for the sound of Edward swallowing.
Edward! My mind yelled. Lick her wound!
But the bloodlust had taken over and he would have to find a way out; he could not hear me. I stared at the door, willing it to somehow become invisible so that I could be reassured that the sounds I was hearing did not mean what I feared. Bella sputtered and choked, and I knew his hands had found her throat. I could hear struggle, could hear limbs tangling in sheets, and in my mind I could see her legs kicking to get free. I knew he had pinned her.
'We have to go in,' Emmett rasped. 'Carlisle...'
'No,' I said firmly, acutely attuned to her heart. He hadn't gone too far yet. Not quite.
I pressed my hand against the door, a moment away from pushing it down when I heard Edward gasp and cough.
Her wrists.
I heard Edward whimpering against her skin once more. Her heartbeat slowed, perfectly.
Good, I thought. Push more venom into her, son.
I heard him pulling sheets on the bed, and his shaking, quiet voice absolutely shattered my chest: 'Bella? Baby, you're so quiet.'
Emmett swallowed thickly, stifling a sob. I held my breath, willing Edward to call to me.
'Carlisle,' he whispered from the other side of the door.
You did it Perfectly via anntastic23
"I ran to Bella, grabbing her tiny wrist and carefully pushing my teeth near Edward's perfect, delicate bite marks. I licked her wounds closed; willing my venom to add to whatever he had given her, hoping desperately he didn't mind and knowing I was unable to resist; I had to do whatever I could. He had bet her and lingered; I couldn't risk that it somehow hadn't been enough, that she would bleed out and simply die.
...I heard soft choking and then louder hiccoughing. I turned to find Edward shaking violently next to the bed, watching Emmett clean blood from Bella's neck and shoulders. I grabbed him and pulled him to me, crushing him as he convulsed with the realization of what he had done.
'Son,' I whispered. 'It's okay. You did it perfectly.'
'She's everything,' he sobbed, shaking violently. 'She's my entire existence. I can't imagine a world without her.'
'You don't need to,' I whispered, following him as he crumpled to the floor, his legs buckling suddenly underneath him.
...His shoulder fell in resignation; he stared at her on the bed. 'Carlisle, I'm so fucking scared. And...I'm just really really exhausted. I've been needing and dreading this for so long' He sounded a million years old.
'I know, son.' I nodded next to him, clutching him. 'You did it perfectly.'
....'It's all going as it should...Better actually, she is quite.'"
My Everything
"I could not stop staring at them as Edward curled his long form alongside her, wrapping his arms around her slight figure, his most precious thing in the world.
She was covered with sheets and trembled under the weight of what I knew she was experiencing. Edward felt it too, and frantically tried to smooth away her tremors with his hands. 'Shh, baby, I'm here.' He ran his hand along her side. 'I'm here. I'm right her. I'm never leaving. I'm never leaving...
'What you did, Edward...' I murmured. 'I am so proud of you.'
I knew he didn't hear me; he didn't need to hear me say that right now. I simply couldn't fathom being able to do what he had done. I sank down against the wall, curling my knees to my chest and hugging them, knowing that we were here for days now.
'My life,' he whispered, running his hand down her arm, taking her wrist in his hand and bringing to his lips. 'My wife.' He murmured these phrases over and over. 'My everything. Bella, you are everything.'"
Review by my1edward:
"Oh, what a beautiful, wonderful chapter. I loved Edward and Carlisle's dialog together--so full of genuine feeling, and revealing of both of their characters, like Edward wishing he could lust and feeling cranky after so many years of people lusting after him, and particularly Carlisle explaining his thoughts on love days. Funny line, "When Jasper has a love day, we all have a love day."
I was touched that Emmett was so concerned for Bella, as in this line, "Emmett swallowed thickly, stifling a sob." And also by Carlise's intense need for Bella, so much so that he has to bite her, too.
I liked this passage the most because it encapsulates how you in this story have Edward and Bella together at the center, inextricably linked on so many levels, but also a part of the Cullen family, which is so important to them, as they are to it: “I need the moment to be private,” he said, his head bent low and his hands making tangles of his hair. Alice had reassured him that tonight would go smoothly, but he was still shaken from having to stitch up Bella earlier in the day. “I have things to say to her that are only for her. But I need to know you are there, too. I don’t know how to balance those two things.”
Great quote via many reviewers:
"When Jasper has a love day, we all have a love day."
Here we are at the real end of Let Your Light Shine. I cannot express how amazingly fun this was to do. These last two chapters have been so hard for me to get through, because they were my favorites and it was the end, which I know is silly since we have A Life Extraordinary. But, I have always felt like the change that Lola gave us was just everything I could have ever imagined, and that's not to say I haven't read other changes that were incredible, but this one was my first experience of how great the change could be and so it holds a special place in my heart. The Carlisle POV really meant so much to me and so I am going to post my review, because I think it expresses my feelings so much better since it was at the moment I read it the first time. I hope you have enjoyed the journey and will join me for A Life Extraordinary.
I couldn't have done this without the brilliant words from LolaShoes and so I give a great thank you for sharing your words with me. They are truly treasured.
*Thank you again to anntastic23 for your help on B&P Chapter 6.
Review by twilightsherry:
Lola,
You are seriously an amazing writer. I am sitting here crying like a baby, as if I didn’t already know exactly what was happening. I always knew this CPOV would be amazing, mostly because you were writing it, but now that I’ve read it, I’m just awestruck, and yes it feels weird to say that about another person, but I just don’t care.
This just moved me from the first words “I clenched” to the last words “Bella, you are everything”. I knew C would give us such insight and you delivered it. I loved learning about E’s nickname Petal, and it was done so subtly, yet so right. I love that you explained the “love days” from C’s perspective, truly fascinating. How the love days relate to their bloodlust is so interesting. Wow it makes sense now with B and E having more love days than probably normal being the reason they also have much less bloodlust. I wonder if that is what really helped B with her bloodlust. Wow, I just put that together, that’s probably exactly it. How cool. She was already so much further into that love with E that her bloodlust was already subsided, just wow, how do you come up with this. I guess like everything else magical you come up with.
I loved the progressive flashbacks of conversations between E and C. These conversations especially the one where C tried to convince E to just let himself have the experience of intimacy without love, to which E said he couldn’t do it, just makes the line “you don’t know how long I’ve waited for you” just grab my heart even more. When C says that their mutual aloneness made them more father and son **sigh** I just love C so much. His pain for E during this time in E’s life is palpable, it is what makes a true father/son parent/child relationship.
When they talked about whether he would even be open for that love **sigh again** this is just more heartbreaking than ever. It makes me think of how MS could be written. But, now I think, wow, to have C narrate the stories, would be so interesting. He has such a unique perspective being that he made 4 of them. But, his relationship with E is so much more because it seems like C is the only person that E is really open with completely until B. When C tells E that Alice will probably tell him and he says he hopes he listens, that was great, because we experienced A continually telling him and him still fighting it. To know that they had already talked about this just makes that even more meaningful. (and as a side note: that statement right there just shows you how amazing you are with this, because I just referenced something that was in the books and acted as if it were something you wrote or vice versa, I do this all the time which just speaks for how well you’ve enmeshed this story to the original) When E says that he’s “tired of feeling others desiring me without desiring them in return” **sheds a tear** I cannot imagine how he has felt all these years, and he says it’s exhausting and tedious, but how much more it means that he waited. Can I love Edward any more, apparently the answer is “YES” because this just made me. He says he, “wanted to lust” and C assures him that just wanting it should mean he’s open to it. Wow Lola, this is just amazing. I mean like every word has me reeling for more.
**Comic Break** “I chuckled at the thought of Jasper having more love days. When J has a love day, we all have a love day. **snicker snicker** Won’t that be interesting when he does have more then, and add that to the ones already having them once a week. I swear you may end up writing 41 chaps of one continuous lemon. Well, you kinda already did, but you get what I mean.
“Until now, he had never experienced a love day and he had no bloodlust, at least not in the traditional sense. I had always attributed this fact to his rigid self-control. I had thought over this point more times in the past two years than almost anything else. For when Edward met Bella, we all registered that it was the first time his control had ever been challenged, and it shook him to the core.” Again, you didn’t get this perspective in Twilight, the torture that first meeting was, and what he was really feeling. But, to have C explain it here as the first time his control was challenged, wow no wonder he took off. I never really thought of the confusion he must have been feeling, not realizing at that time that he was feeling love or lust or I guess both.
Jeez can I just copy the rest of the chapter. It’s just that good.
The way C describes E’s love day with Bella and how that it’s the perfect day, how she’s the only thing that has challenged him, how it would free him, how he would fully understand what he could give her and she him, that “tonight he would be more in love with her than he had ever been…..and would have to pull back.” **this just rips at my heart** This moment was the small moment of C’s fear for him. It’s like they all “know” it’s going to work out because of A, and yet only C knows what it’s really like and so only he knows what his son is in for. You really were able to fully express his feelings here, Lola.
The conversation that day between C and E. Wow, just pull my heart out because I need it to be resuscitated for sure. **As I said I was crying some tears before this point, but at this point here – “I need the moment to be private. I have things to say to her that are only for her. But I need to know you are there, too. I don’t know how to balance those two things……Listen to her heart, Carlisle. Don’t let me kill her…I can’t get enough of her. I need to do it today because I can’t control my strength much longer, but I’m afraid today is the worst day to try.” – **tears just welled up and never stopped from this point forward, I can barely write even now…your words just make me feel like I am there experiencing it with them – deep breath**
When C says, “There were a million ways this could end tragically, and only one way it ended as desired. ‘as desired’ still required E to bite her….’as desired’ would still be the worst torture he’d ever known. **gasp gasp, the torture is so real, I can literally feel it in the air around me**
I don’t think I ever really thought about what the rest of the family went through those 3 days. To think of them just on the beach waiting for the signal and knowing they would have to just wait through the agony. When you described how they felt about Bella when they got there, aw, just gave me the chills. How it must have been for them to experience E’s happiness, and yet at the same time followed by such torture, for E and B.
“Our own fear was palpable; as a family, we could not survive if we lost them both.” OMG I never even thought of that. They so wouldn’t have, and we know E would have died without B. **shaking head in amazement**
“She’s his singer…”At precisely that moment we heard Edward’s strangled cry and the sound of wood smashing plaster.”
Then suddenly - it hit me just as strong as I felt it hit them and I was just reading it - OMG this is really it - my own intensity makes me feel like I’m on the beach. I grab Alice, Esme, and Rose’s hands. How will we live through this?. Alice, says everything will be fine, she’s always so damn calm, damn her gift of knowing, but thank god she has it. I too know it will be fine, I’ve read this part, but OMG can I experience it again? I don’t know. Damnit I have to read it….keep going.
C trying to help E through his mind. **heart racing**
“Edward, oh God…”
“Baby, I love you.”
“No!”
“Son, stay calm.”
“I love you Bella, oh God! I can’t”
“Go…I’m yours. I trust you…Please baby, go.”
“I’m so sorry. It’s going to hurt, Bella. Baby, it will hurt a lot”
“GO!”
“Silence except for swallowing.”
“Edward lick her wound.”
“Bella sputtering and choking.” (OMG….NO **calm down you know how this ends**)
“Oh God, he choked, sounding like a man coming up from deep in the ocean. Oh God…”
“Carlisle.”
“I ran to Bella,.in that moment I felt an overpowering jolt of need for my daughter. Need for her to survive this, need for her to wake up and see how much we loved her. Need for her to know that she belongs to me, too.”
“Son, it’s okay. You did it perfectly.”
**let’s out a deep breath, sigh sigh sigh** And Lola, you could NOT have written these words more perfectly, I swear, if Carlisle existed and dictated them himself to you word for word, they would have been the same words.
“’What you did, Edward…I am so proud of you.’ I knew he didn’t hear me; he didn’t need to hear me say that right now. I simply couldn’t fathom being able to do what he had done. I sank down against the wall, curling my knees to my chest and hugging them, knowing that we were here for days now.”
What you did here Lola, was PERFECT. These last words, are almost as if son transcends father, and what father doesn’t want that for their son – to be more than they were - to be better - if that’s even possible - and yet we see that it was.
I know this is the stupidest thing I’m going to say right now, but I have NO MORE WORDS. The words I have written don’t even come close to how I feel.
Thank you for this gift. You are amazing, and I shake my head thinking this is too weird, but like I said, who cares, it’s how I feel, soak it in, you deserve it.
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